Giving relationship advice is pointless
From someone who ignored advice for a long time
There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from watching someone you care about stay in a relationship that is clearly, obviously, painfully wrong for them. I watched that exhaustion form in the eyes of my closest friends in recent years, and I have no doubt experienced it myself. You have laid out the evidence. You have drawn the comparisons. You have stayed on the phone until two in the morning. And then, without fail, they go back. Or they never leave in the first place. And you are left wondering why you offered your opinion. Now it’s potentially awkward.
The hard truth is this: unsolicited relationship advice is almost entirely wasted breath. Not because your observations are wrong. Not because you lack insight or compassion. But because the person you are trying to help is, trust me, simply not ready to hear it. And until they are, no amount of evidence, logic, or heartfelt intervention will move them.
You cannot guide someone to a conclusion until they are already on the path to it
We are not passive recipients of truth. Or at least we shouldn’t be. We are active, motivated processors of information. When that information threatens something we are emotionally invested in, a relationship, for example, we reject it. Psychologists call this motivated reasoning. It accounts for the mental gymnastics we perform to protect beliefs we aren’t ready to abandon. I have been there myself. Haven’t we all? Not wanting to hear the harsh truth about the person you’re hitching your wagon to?
When someone is deeply attached to a relationship, or to the version of the relationship they wish existed, outside criticism isn’t seen as helpful. It lands as an attack. The instinct is not to reflect but to defend or distance oneself from any threat. It’s almost like approaching a loved one who has an addiction. The person receiving your carefully considered advice will find themselves arguing for the very relationship they privately have doubts about. They will go on the defensive. Or they’ll just go... Not from the relationship that holds them back, but go from you.
The cruel irony is that pushing too hard can actually strengthen their attachment.
There is a specific window in which relationship advice becomes useful, and it is narrow. It opens when the person themselves has already begun to question things. At that point, a trusted perspective can serve as a mirror, reflecting what they already half-know. It can give language to a feeling they couldn’t articulate. It can provide the final nudge toward a decision they were already moving toward.
Outside of that window, advice doesn’t illuminate. It irritates.
Not every criticism is true
It’s worth pausing here to acknowledge something important: not every negative observation about someone’s relationship is accurate. Criticism can come from a place of jealousy; a friend who resents the time and attention that the partner now receives. It can come from misunderstanding; an outsider who only sees the difficult moments and none of the warmth. It can come from projection; someone working through their own things and mapping them onto another person. One person’s concern, however well-intentioned, is not automatically correct.
But, when multiple people, independently, are thinking the same thing, people with no particular agenda, people who want you to be happy, people who have watched quietly and said nothing until they couldn’t anymore, that is no longer one opinion. That is a pattern that is hard to ignore.
Why do so many people describe your partner as “difficult”? Why have so many people expressed discomfort with them?
If many people in your life is seeing the same red flag, they can’t all be wrong.
Red flags worth knowing
Whether you are reading this as a friend who is concerned about their loved one ending up in a draining relationship, or as someone who is already questioning their own situation, there are some red flags worth keeping note of. I appreciate this could be another thinkpiece all on its own, so feel free to scroll to the next bit if you have not got the head for it.
Consistent disrespect, public or private
A partner who dismisses your opinions, mocks you and puts you down in front of others, or even alone, consistently is not someone you will have an easy life with. This person is showing you who they really are: insecure, bitter, and downright mean. They’re going through a tough time? So what, that is not a licence to make you feel small. Humiliation is not a communication style.
Isolation from friends and family
Relationships can change the dynamic of your friendships. However, if you find that you are missing once routine aspects of your closest friendships since you got into your relationship, it might be time to take a closer look. Has this shift been engineered by your partner? Or maybe you feel guilty going away with or spending elongated periods of time with your friends now, all of a sudden? Does your partner have a meltdown if you aren’t in constant contact while trying to spend quality time with other people?
As someone who has recently found herself in a nourishing relationship, I’m here to say that healthy relationships should expand your world. They do not shrink it down. They do not take the good away. They add to it. If you feel lonelier in the relationship than you did beforehand, it might be time for serious thinking.
Walking on eggshells
If you regularly edit yourself, your values, what you say, what you wear, who you talk to, how you behave, not out of courtesy but out of fear of their reaction or judgment, that anxiety is information. Pay attention to it. They aren’t your person if you don’t feel comfortable being yourself with them.
Your feelings are never valid
In a pattern where every attempt to raise a concern ends with you apologising, or being made to feel irrational, or having the conversation turned back on you, you are being minimised to suit their desires.
This is called DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It is a way of ensuring that you never successfully hold them accountable for anything.
You’ve definitely seen this before:
“I never did that! You’re intentionally taking me up the wrong way. You’re going out of your way to make me look bad, it’s always me that’s at fault, isn’t?! You always do this to me.”
Two words for you: get out
The good times are used to cancel out the bad
“But we have such great times together”, “the presents he got me were so thoughtful”; these are not valid rebuttals to consistent harmful behaviour. Every relationship has good moments. The question is what happens in the difficult ones, and which is more frequent. If good times are glimmers in a generally dark situation, is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life?
What to do instead
If any of these red flags are evident in the relationship of a friend of yours, but you worry that broaching the subject will cause more harm than good, what exactly can you do? The main thing is to stay close. Don’t lecture. Don’t issue ultimatums. Don’t force them to choose. They will more than likely choose their partner and you won’t be there when they need you most.
Listen to them without agenda. Ask careful questions. Let them arrive at their own conclusions and encourage them to see what kind of life they really deserve. Then be there for them when they finally see things as they are and make that difficult decision.
When someone is finally ready to see their relationship clearly, what they need is not someone who says “I told you so.” They need someone who will hold them up and remind them how brave they are.
I think fondly of the message I got from a friend telling me that I was so brave and strong for choosing myself regularly. She was the first one to say it. And I know I can trust her with any part of my heart since.
It’s hard watching a loved one lose themself to someone who doesn’t deserve them. But they need you more than they need them, so tread lightly.